What's Happening in the Shoals

What's Happening in the City

PARKS & RECREATION DEPARTMENT SENIOR CITIZEN CENTER "THE CLUB" 450 Country Club Drive (Savannah Highway/Hwy. 20) Florence - 256-760-6420  The Club Facebook Page ***The Club is a drug free, alcohol free facility***  NEW 2015 SCHEDULE On FRIDAYS, the Boomers and Seniors wear RED to show support for our service men and women.  Get your "CLUB" shirt the next time you visit. MASTERS GAMES PRACTICE will be the first Wednesday of each month from Noon to 2:00 p.m. at Broadway Recreation Center.  Please feel free to practice horseshoes, Frisbee and Nerf Ball Toss and Checkers on Tuesday and Thursdays from 12:30 p.m. to 5:00 p.m., at The CLUB.  THE NUTRITION PROGRAM is a NACOLG/State program which serves lunch each Monday-Friday, at 11:00 a.m., at The CLUB.  Suggested donation $1.  This program is based on age and not need.  Limited seating (40) available on first come basis.  Must be seated by 10:30 a.m.  Feel free to come check it out.  The only requirements are:  1) must be 60 years of age, and 2) must sign in and be seated by 10:30 a.m. LET'S GO BOWLING...Mondays, 1:00 p.m. to 3:00 p.m., Lauderdale Lanes on Florence Boulevard.  $2.50 per game.  This is not league bowling.  It's just for fun.  It's a CLUB activity away from The CLUB. BOOMER'S & SENIOR'S TUESDAY AND SATURDAY NIGHT DANCE & GAMES at The CLUB, 6:30 p.m. to 9:00 p.m., each week and Saturdays, except holiday weekends.  The doors will open at 6:00 p.m.  $5 per person.  Singles & couples are welcome.  18+ years old.  Music spanning the decades will be performed by The Browns.  For those who may not be dancers but like to play games and enjoy music, here is your opportunity to come listen to some great music while playing your favorite games:  Rook, Rummy, Rummy Cubes, Dominoes, Checkers or the games you bring with you.  For more information please call The CLUB at 256-760-6420, Monday-Friday, 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Alabama's state dance is Folk and Square Dancing.  It's a healthy challenge that will have you stepping to the music and enjoying your new dance family.  The Singing River Squares will be square dance angels to the BEGINNING SQUARE DANCE CLASS (10 weeks) starting Friday, March 13, 2015, from 7:00 to 8:30 p.m.  We offer beginner classes year round.  $35 for 10 classes.  Prior to the class, the Singing River Squares will have PLUS dance time from 6:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m.  The Singing River Squares happily invite you to give it a try.  Anyone with the desire to learn is welcomed.  For more information call Fran at The CLUB, 256-760-6420. JOINTS IN MOTION CHAIR EXERCISE CLASS helps you with your activities of daily living.  Monday, Wednesday, Friday, 8:45 a.m. to 9:30 a.m.  No age limit-men, women, friends and family are welcome to join us at The CLUB.  No fee.  Class Leader:  Fran "fish" Davis. Also, the Joints in Motion Class offers the opportunity for you to join them in prayer around the flagpole each Monday morning after class at 9:50 a.m. to pray for our community, city, nation, first responders, troops, and families and friends of The CLUB.  We wear RED on Friday to show support for our troops.  BINGO follows the Joints in Motion Class on Wednesdays at 9:30 a.m.  No fee for BINGO.  Expendable type prizes are appreciated.  Paper products, toothpaste, mouthwash, lotions, soaps, puzzle books, unopened snack foods. BOARD GAMES, ROOK, CARD GAMES, DOMINOES and fun with friends each afternoon at The CLUB.  12:30 p.m. to 5:00 p.m.  No fee.  We bring light snacks to share. FANTASTIC FRIDAY AT THE CLUB will be from 4:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m., each THIRD FRIDAY of the month January until October.  $10.00 a plate.  Our meals will be catered from two different restaurant facilities.  Pop's BBQ (St. Florian) will have fish or BBQ.  The Bonnet Café Elegant Country Cooking (Lexington) with Sunday type meals, menu will vary each time.  Please try to purchase tickets ahead of time.  You will enjoy the great food, music, games, dance opportunities, horseshoes, and have a fun time at the "FUN Raiser!"  All proceeds will go towards the local and state Master Games for persons 50 year and older.  MARCH 20, POP'S BBQ, THE CADILLACS APRIL 17, BONNET CAFÉ, THE BROWNS MAY 15, "WE APPRECIATE YOU DAY" HAMBURGERS ONE AND ALL-THE BROWNS JUNE 19, BONNET CAFÉ, THE NuTONES JULY 17, POP'S BBQ, THE BROWNS AUGUST 21, BONNET CAFÉ, THE CADILLACS SEPTEMBER 18, TAIL GATE PARTY, THE BROWNS The DULCIMERS play each third Friday at The CLUB, from 2:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m.  Come and enjoy their music We enjoy MYSTERY TRIPS and overnight trips with our friends from The CLUB.  The Dam Fall Color Tour and Touring for Christmas Lights are two of our favorite annual tours.  The annual 2015 BOOMERS & SENIORS FISHING DAYS at Deibert Park will be on Thursdays, April 23, July 23, September 24, and October 22, 2015.  Catch and Share.  Catch and Release.  Bring your own fishing tackle, bait, chairs, snack, etc.  No fishing license required for fishing at these scheduled events. ONE DAY COMMUNITY YARD SALE to be scheduled at The CLUB for April 25, 2015.  Stay tuned for details.  Top of page

Florence-Lauderdale Library

Kids         Teens        Calendar        Local History        eBooks        Search the Catalog FLPL now has Mobile Hotspots available for check out!  These new hotspots are perfect for vacations. You don't have to worry about whether your hotel offers free wi-fi if you have one of these hotspots with you. They're also great for keeping your passengers entertained on a long road trip (without using up all your data). Checking out a hot spot will require a $50 cash deposit, but that deposit will be fully refunded once the hot spot is returned undamaged. Borrowers must be 18 or older with a valid library card, driver's license, and phone number, and they must have had their library card for at least six moths. Visit the Reference Desk on the library's 2nd floor for more information. For those of you who aren't hitting the road in the coming weeks, we'll be hosting plenty of free events at the library throughout the rest of the summer, including music events for Handy Week! Find Your Fit: Running for Weight Loss and Fitness Saturday, July 11, 10:00 am You don’t have to be a trained athlete to be a runner: all you need is a good pair of shoes and a desire to get fit. B.J. Keeton, blogger at geekfitness.net, used running to help him lose 150 pounds. He will talk about how to get started as a runner, how to train for your goals, and how to beat that little voice that says you can’t. For those who are interested, B.J. will also provide one-on-one instruction on running form. *Wear comfortable clothes and athletic shoes if you want running form instruction. Making Music with Trash Monday, July 20, 10:00 am Children are invited to make musical instruments out of recycled materials. Plus, there will be live music by Microwave Dave! Sponsored by the Friends of the Library, the Florence Recycling Center, and In Harmony with Nature. Check Out the Blues Monday, July 20, 11:00 am-1:00 pm Enjoy live music in the stacks by Howard Lamb and Friends! Sponsored by the Friends of the Library. Listen and Learn: American Roots Instruments with Cigar Box Guitars Tuesday, July 21, 2:00 pm Join Justin Johnson as he plays and discusses homemade instruments. Justin Johnson is one of the world’s leading ambassadors for the homegrown music movement and is a master of stringed instruments. Guitar World hailed him as a “must-see act,” he has been recognized as the Slidestock International Slide Guitar Champion, and he has published educational books and DVDs on music theory and technique. Sponsored by the Friends of the Library. Norbert Putnam Up Close and Personal Wednesday, July 22, 2:00 pm Shoals music pioneer Norbert Putnam will talk about the early days of Muscle Shoals music. He is a Florence native who played bass on records for Elvis Presley, Roy Orbison, Linda Ronstadt, and more. Sponsored by the Friends of the Library. Hands-On Music: Cigar Box Guitars Thursday, July 23, 2:00 pm Join guitar master Justin Johnson for a hands-on class on Cigar Box Guitars. Bring your own instrument or  take a turn playing one of Johnson’s guitars. Sponsored by the Friends of the Library. Book Talk and Performance: The Muscle Shoals Legacy of FAME by Blake Ells Friday, July 24, 2:00 pm Go deeper into the history of FAME Recording Studio as music journalist Blake Ells discusses his new book. This event will also feature performances by Barry Billings, Jimmy Nutt, and Alecia Elliott.  Books will be for sale at the event. Generations: Basic Genealogy SeminarSaturday, July 25, 9:00 am-4:00 pm Registration required Join us for our  basic genealogy seminar and learn the skills you'll need to dive in and start researching your family's genealogy. American or European, black, white or Native American, we all want to know more about our family and where we came from. Our seminar assumes you've done little or no genealogy research and want to learn how to get started. Instructors will be FLPL's genealogist/local historian Lee Freeman, as well as  Natchez Trace Genealogical Society president Brian Newton and vice president Kitty Cox, all of whom bring several decades' worth of experience in genealogy research to the table. For more information or to sign up, call 256-764-6564, ext. 30. Check out our latest blog post: 5 Easy Ways to Make Better Vacay Pics at flplrenew.org  Florence-Lauderdale Public Library 350 North Wood Ave Florence, AL 35630 256-764-6564 www.flpl.org

Special W.C. Handy Events @ Florence-Lauderdale Library

This is a reminder about all of the special W.C. Handy Events we will be having next week at the Florence-Lauderdale Public Library. We hope you can join us!

Jazz it Up with Trash in Harmony with Nature
Monday, July 23, 10:00 am – 11:00am
Join special guest Microwave Dave as we make musical instruments from recycled materials. This hands-on activity is for children 3 and older. Sponsored by Florence Recycling Center, Florence-Lauderdale Public Library, Keep the Shoals Beautiful, Shoals Solid Waste Authority, Alabama Bureau of Tourism & Travel, and Northwest Alabama R C & D Council.

Check Out the Blues
Monday, July 23, 11:00 am – 1:00 pm
Enjoy live music in the stacks by Howard Lamb & Friends! Lunch will be available for purchase at Bookmarks Coffee Shop. Sponsored by the Friends of the Library.

Jazz at the Library
Tuesday, July 24, 11:30 am-1:30 pm
John Edward Hasse will present a program on Louis Armstrong and W.C. Handy . Hasse is Curator of the Division of Culture and the Arts at the Smithsonian National Museum of American History. Sponsored by Anderson & Anderson, Florence-Lauderdale Public Library, and Music Preservation Society.

The Screening Room: Wattsax
Tuesday, July 24, 2:00 pm-4:00 pm
Join us for a screening of Wattsax (1973), starring the Staple Sisters, Luther Ingram, Mel and Tim, Isaac Hayes, Rufus Thomas, Carla Thomas, Little Milton, Johnnie Taylor, The Bar-Kays, Eddie Floyd, Albert King, Rance Allen, William Bell, and Frederick Knight, presented by Terry Pace with special guests Jimmy Johnson (guitarist) and David Hood (bassist) of the Muscle Shoals Rhythm Section (schedules permitting). Sponsored by Florence-Lauderdale Public Library, Pillar of Fire, and Muscle Shoals Music Association.

A Conjoining of Ancient Song
Wednesday, July 25, 11:30 am – 1:00 pm
Willie Ruff presents “A Conjoining of Ancient Song”, a documentary about a rapidly vanishing form of congregational singing. Lunch will be available for purchase at Bookmarks Coffee Shop. Sponsored by the Music Preservation Society and Florence-Lauderdale Public Library.

The Screening Room: The Legends of Rock and Roll
Thursday, July 26, 2:00pm-4:00pm
Join us for a screening of The Legends of Rock and Roll (1989), with Bo Diddley, James Brown,
Little Richard, Jerry Lee Lewis, Fats Domino, Ray Charles and B.B. King, with Ken Lovelace,
Travis Wammack, Monkee Wammack, and Chuck Leavell, presented by Terry
Pace and special guests (schedules permitting) Ken Lovelace (Jerry Lee Lewis’ longtime band
leader, guitarist, and fiddler) and Travis Wammack (Little Richard’s former lead guitar player).

Sponsored by Florence-Lauderdale Public Library, Pillar of Fire, and the Muscle Shoals Music
Association.
The Screening Room: A Summer Salute: George Lindsey (1928-2012)
Sunday, July 29, 2:00-4:00 p.m.
Join us for Part II of a special memorial tribute to University of North Alabama alumnus George Lindsey, featuring three of his finest television performances: The Rifleman: “Requiem at Mission Springs” (1963), also starring Chuck Connors, Johnny Crawford and Patricia Blair; The Andy Griffith Show: “Goober Takes a Car Apart” (1965), also starring Andy Griffith, Howard McNear, Ron Howard, Frances Bavier and Larry Hovis; and The Alfred Hitchcock Hour: “The Jar” (1964), directed by Norman Lloyd and based on the story by Ray Bradbury, also starring Pat Buttram, Collin Wilcox, James Best, Slim Pickens, Jane Darwell, William Marshall, Jocelyn Brando, Carl Benton Reid and Billy Barty. Program presented by Terry Pace and sponsored by Florence-Lauderdale Public Library, Pillar of Fire, and the Muscle Shoals Music Association.

Trail of Treats

Punkin' Day & Harvest Village

July 4th Celebrations

July 4, 2011 – Cherokee 4th of July Street Dance
An old-fashioned street dance climaxed with a fireworks display, includes live music, concession sales by the Cherokee Rescue Squad and more.
Free
9 am – 10 pm
3752 Old Lee Highway
For more information: (256) 359-4312


July 4, 2011 – Shoals Spirit of Freedom Celebration
Celebrate Independence Day in the Shoals! Enjoy music entertainment, food and fabulous FIRWORKS (9p.m.) during this all day celebration.
McFarland Park, Florence
Hours: 10:30 a.m. - 11:00 p.m.
Admission: Free
Vendor/Entertainment contact: 256-740-4141

July 4, 2011 – 4th of July Walking Parade
The parade is for all ages, preschool through adults. Prizes will be awarded for best decorated bicycle, tricycle, wagon, scooter, or costume. Come dressed in patriotic colors.
Free
10 am, beginning at the intersection of 4th Street & Montgomery Ave. Sheffield.
For more information: cpdriskell@gmail.com

April 30th - Shoals Earth Day Fest

The event includes art and crafts, children's activities. Earth-Friendly displays and music by Dillon Hodges and other. Performances by Steve Trash at noon, 2pm, and 4pm.

Florence-Lauderdale Coliseum, Veterans Drive, Florence

FLPL: Jazz Concert, Film Screenings, and more!

Stop by the Florence-Lauderdale Public Library for some of these upcoming events!

'The Screening Room: Get Low (2010)
Thursday, April 14, 7:30 pm
Directed by Aaron Schneider (Two Soldiers), Get Low stars Robert Duvall in an Oscar-worthy performance as a 1930s-era Tennessee hermit who hires two down-on-their-luck funeral-parlor directors (Bill Murray and northwest Alabama native Lucas Black) to stage his memorial service before his death. The cast also includes Sissy Spacek, Bill Combs, Gerald McRaney and University of North Alabama alumnus Danny Vinson.

Serenades from the Shoals: Mars Hill Bible School Jazz Band
Sunday, April 17 2011, 2:00pm
FLPL is celebrating the Year of Alabama Music with a monthly concert series featuring local artists, beginning with a performance by the Mars Hill Bible School Jazz Band on Sunday, April 17 at 2pm. Admission is free.
For a full schedule of upcoming events in the Serenades from the Shoals concert series, visit http://flpl.org/events/featured-programs

The Screening Room: True Grit (1969)
Thursday, April 21, 7:00 pm
If you’ve only seen the 2010 Cohen brothers version, stop by the library for director Henry Hathaway’s Oscar-winning original film version of Charles Portis’ Western novel True Grit, starring John Wayne and Kim Darby.
The Screening Room: The Cameraman (1928) and One Week (1920)
Saturday, April 23, 2:00 pm
This Screening Room event will feature Buster Keaton’s classic silent comedy The Cameraman and his uproarious short silent comedy One Week.

Book Launch Event: Redemption: Missy’s Story by Melissa Owens
Thursday, April 28, 5:00 – 6:30 pm (Book reading at 5 pm)
In honor of National Child Abuse Prevention Month, Melissa Owens will visit FLPL to talk about her book Redemption: Missy’s Story. This memoir recounts Owens’ childhood as a victim of physical, sexual, emotional, and spiritual abuse, as well as extreme neglect. In the book, she explores her struggles with drugs and alcohol and with life as a runaway and a teenage mother. She discusses how she turned her life around with the support of caring people who were committed to helping her.
Melissa Owens is an author, speaker, and advocate of women and children’s rights. She is currently working with locally elected officials to form Youth At Risk programs and is a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates for Children) representative and a member of Protect.org.
Owens will be selling and signing copies of Redemption at this event. Part of the book sale proceeds will go to CASA. For more information, visit missyspeaks.com.

The Holocaust and Yad Vashem: A Presentation by Jim Bevis
Monday, May 2, 6:00 pm
Wednesday, May 4, 2:30 pm
In honor of Holocaust Remembrance Week, Jim Bevis will visit the Florence-Lauderdale Public Library to present “The Holocaust and Yad Vashem.” He will give this presentation on Monday, May 2 at 6:00 pm and on Wednesday, May 4 at 2:30 pm.
Mr. Bevis will provide an overview of the Holocaust and the events leading up to it and will talk about his visit to Yad Vashem, the Holocaust Memorial in Jerusalem. He will give special attention to what people of all faiths can do in response to the Holocaust and anti-semitism.
Jim Bevis serves as President of CSR Ministries, an international Christian renewal ministry, and is a member of the Chistian Leadership Council of Remembrance of Yad Vashem. He and his wife, Anne Wagnon Bevis, have ministered in over thirty countries. They live in Florence.

April 22& 23 - Living History Event

April 22-23 - Sweetwater Living History Weekend

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live in Florence in 1860? Have you ever secretly wished you could? That opportunity can be yours on April 22nd and 23rd from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. at the "Sweetwater Living History Weekend."

Admission to the event will be free both days. The celebration will feature such events as an hourly reading of Alabama's twentieth Governor Robert M. Patton's innaugural speech, a Maud Lindsay kindergarten re-enactment , Civil War campsites and many more living histories from the period.

Concessions will be available and different events will be planned for both days.

Sweetwater Mansion est 1828 is located at 842 Sweetwater Avenue, just off Florence Boulevard. Watch for signs on the day of the event or call 256-710-4432 for more information.

All events will be postponed in case of rain.

photo by Sandra McVay

March 4th & 5th - Annual Kiwanis Pancake Day

Florence Kiwanis Club will host its 60th Annual Pancake Day Friday and Saturday, March 4 and 5 at the Florence-Lauderdale Coliseum. Kiwanians will serve pancakes and sausage Friday from 6am-7pm and Saturday, from 6am-1pm.

Advance tickets are $6 or $4.50 each for group sales of ten or more tickets. Tickets at the door are $7 each

Tickets are available from any member of the Florence Kiwanis Club or at the door. For tickets call Don Rohling at 256- 710-7059(c).
 
Kiwanis Club Website

March 3-5 - 14th Annual George Lindsey Film Festival

The 14th Annual George Lindsey UNA Film Festival takes place March 3-5 in Florence. It is one of the few film festivals hosted by a university. The event was founded in 1998 in part by UNA alumnus and celebrated actor and entertainer George Lindsey. Lindsey’s own film career has included several important roles, including the character Goober Pyle on “The Andy Griffith Show.”
The festival will kick off with a 4pm party March 3 at On the Rocks located at 110 N. Court Street in Florence. The party will begin at 4pm on March 3.

For more information on the 2011 George Lindsey UNA Film Festival, visit http://www.lindseyfilmfest.com/, or contact the film festival staff at lindseyfilmfest@una.edu or 256-765-4592

Website

February 12 - Congenital Heart Walk

The 1st Annual Congenital Heart Defect Walk will be Saturday, February 12, 2011 at Regency Square Mall in Florence, Al  at Regency Square Mall benefiting the Adult Congenital Heart Association and the Children's Heart Foundation.
Registration is at 7 AM and 5k walk starts at 8 AM. Prizes provided by Ricatoni's Italian Grill and Massages by Kellony.
Funds raised at the walk will benefit the Children's Heart Foundation.

Walkers are encouraged to make a minimum donation of $15.

A $50 gift certificate to Ricatoni's Italian Grill will be awarded to the walker/team raising the most money and 1 random walker will win a massage from Massages by Kellony!


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Old Time Cowboy

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio ,Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed
straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old
mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of
the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... Never really wanted to.."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and
started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around
very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin
10 gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son,
have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir...... But.. I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.  Don't waste ammunition.  Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.  Old folks didn't get old by being stupid.

Why Teachers Drink

YES – Our future is secure, honest!!!!

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.


Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby (must have been a Cajun kid)

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. ( OMG )

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

The Darwin Awards are out!!

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder.
He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around,
submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15.
[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquour store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquour store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher.. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.............. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.  In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals, by chance, is a distant relative or long lost friend.

In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*** Remember.... They walk among us, they can reproduce, and they vote!!!!!

Happy New Year

Now is the best time of year to give back to the community, so try organizing a neighborhood toy or coat drive to donate to those in need!

It is sure to bring a smile to their faces and your generosity will be appreciated!

Please feel free to submit your Support and Volunteer Group on FlorenceNeighbors!

http://florenceneighbors.com/groups-clubs/#89

Oct. 30th- Forks of Cypress Walking Tour

Forks of Cypress Plantation Site & Cemetery Walking tour and historic marker dedication. Saturday, October 30, 10am-12pm.
Presentation by Curtis Flowers,
Guided tour by Harry Wallace.
Directions: Cox Creek PKwy to Jackson Rd. (no traffic signal), go north on Jackson Rd and turn right at dead end onto CR 41.

October 30th - Book Signing at Sweetwater Mansion

Jessica Penot will be signing copies of her book at Sweetwater Mansion on October 30th from 7:00-8:00 p.m.

Jessica a therapist and writer who lives in Alabama. Her work has been published in Nocturnal Ooze, Theatre of Decay, Cthulu Sex Magazine, Outer Darkness, and Byzarium. She also has a ghost story column in the Valley Planet and has written a horror novel, Circe,which will be released in August of 2011. Her book Haunted North Alabama is now available from History Press.

http://www.jessicapenot.net/haunted-north-alabama.html

Author, Jessica Penot, Haunted North Alabama, will also be from 5-6pm. at Cold Water Books in Tuscumbia along with local storyteller, Sarah Anne Maples that will present ghost stories for children.

Phyllis White will be signing copies of her book at Sweetwater Mansion on October 30th from 7:00-8:00 p.m. ($10.00 per copy)

Phyllis has created her own cartoon series, has written many articles, short stories, co-authored two books, and in 2008, published her first novel, titled “Led by the Spirit.” Led is a work of fiction, based on a woman’s obsession and love affair with a ghost. Led exposes the paranormal and gives White’s perspective on the supernatural realm and gives her audience a view of how opening oneself up to ‘spirits’ can be destructive. This book is like no other book you have read and is described by most readers as a ‘page turner’ and ‘a book I couldn’t put down.’ Many are anxiously awaiting the sequel.

White’s unique style of writing holds your attention and she has created in “Led” a spine tingling book, not for the squeamish. It’s a book of good versus evil with many twists and turns and a surprise ending. This is a must read! Website: http://www.phylliswhiteart.com/